Middle Aged, Single & The Fear of Ending Up Alone

I remain a huge fan of Karen Foley’s writing. In her latest piece she urges middle aged women to transcend the societal norm of feeling/believing that they are invisible to men. Karen makes a compelling case that continued growth is paramount to overcoming fears and insecurities.

Part of that growth is embracing what good men know to be self evident: middle aged women are sexy in a way that young women can’t even approximate. Simply put:
Experience and knowing who you are is sexy.

Unfortunately, a lot of us find ourselves at the half way point in life without a strong sense of identity. We learned to adapt and to earn love by being who/how others wanted us to be. At this juncture, the possibility of investing in self gets overshadowed by the fear of ending up alone.

The mistake that I see a lot of women making is being overly concerned with what it is that men want instead of building a stronger sense of self and having the guts to determine what it is that they themselves want. Assuming that you’re not willing to settle, please know that what any good man wants is for you to be yourself. In order to do that, you have to know her intimately.

“Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” – George Bernard Shaw

It’s actually very simple. Coming to know ourselves works the same way as getting to know someone you’d like to have as a close friend:

– Spend time with her and be fully present
– Be really, really, real with her
– Get to know her likes and dislikes
– Be vulnerable with her
– Be patient, understanding, and kind
– Share hopes, dreams, quirks, fears, and passions
– Invest in her, give her support, outlets, reassurance and nurture her growth
– Build her up: validate her, affirm her, help her to use her voice more fully

I urge folks to journal. It’s an opportunity to take everything that’s jumbled up in your head and heart and bring it out into the open. Out here it’s something you can get a fresh perspective on. Get on the same page with yourself (literally) before trying to locate your soul mate.

Depending on where you’re at in your life, there’s a good chance I’d suggest that you need to find a man right now as much as I currently need a hole in the head. The value of having support from some really kick ass women cannot be overstated. Good women will challenge you to become greater than you are.

Jim LaPierre

About Jim LaPierre

Jim LaPierre LCSW CCS is the Executive Director of Higher Ground Services in Brewer, Maine. He is a Recovery Ally, mental health therapist and addictions counselor. He specializes in facilitating recovery (whether from addiction, trauma, depression, anxiety, or past abuse) overcome obstacles, and improve their quality of life. Jim offers a limited amount of online therapy to those with very flexible schedules.