Because I’m Scared

I love it when people are brave enough
to talk about their fears.
They’re what undermine us the most
and what we talk about the least.

As I write this, I’m supposed to be working
on a pretty major project.
I’m procrastinating, which is really out of character for me.
It rarely happens.
It’s cuz I’m scared,
which happens all the time.

I only have two fears: failure and success.
The funny thing is – I take a lot of risks
but I rarely fail.
It’s hard to talk about the fear of success
People look at you funny.

I’m listening to 21 Pilots on Youtube (check them out and thank me later)
while playing poker online
while chatting with my wife
and half ignoring/half watching whatever the hell is on my tv
and sneaking pretzels to the dog.

I’ve checked my email seven times today
I’ve chatted, messaged, texted and called friends
I’ve gotten take out and run errands
Now there’s nothing left to do but tackle the project

Or, you know…write a blog about not doing it.

I find my plate full of amazing things and
every damned one of them
is a work in progress.
Just like me.
A hundred moving parts
connections are like puzzle pieces
I know we all fit together
I’m just not sure how.

Faith. Trust. Leap.
Don’t worry about the landing.

I know I don’t want control
But my fear screams for it.
I don’t. I know I don’t.
So I tell the Universe
how big my fears are.
And the Universe reminds me
that It is much bigger than my fears.
Stop. Breath deeply. Receive grace.

There should be a take away to this blog
so here it is:

Years ago I made a deal with my amazing wife
(she really is the best thing ever)
I told her that there are times when I need lots of reassurance.
Sometimes I’ll want to explain why I’m a mess
and other times I won’t know or won’t want to explain
So I asked if at times like these if she could just give me a hug
and tell me it’s (I’m) ok.

Amazingly she was very agreeable to this
(Muster the vulnerability to ask for what you need).
What’s incredible is that she really believes it’s all going to be good
I can wrap my head around her believing in us but sometimes
I marvel at her ability to believe in me.

My wife is a pragmatist.
She points out absurdly obvious things that I overlook
Like that when I fail, I get up and do it again
until it’s right.

I have lots of faith
In God, in the people in my life
and in what we’re doing together
and I find that the more I put my fears out there
the less they limit me.

Most everything that makes me feel alive
also scares me. So I accept this and
life just keeps getting better.

Jim LaPierre

About Jim LaPierre

Jim LaPierre LCSW CCS is the Executive Director of Higher Ground Services in Brewer, Maine. He is a Recovery Ally, mental health therapist and addictions counselor. He specializes in facilitating recovery (whether from addiction, trauma, depression, anxiety, or past abuse) overcome obstacles, and improve their quality of life. Jim offers a limited amount of online therapy to those with very flexible schedules.