As grownups we take comfort in the predictability of our highly scheduled, structured, and stressful lives. For as much as organization and daily rituals help us to be productive and efficient, too much routine makes everything stale. Being bored leaves us dull and disinterested. It’s a short distance from there to feeling “stuck”, being “in a funk” or any of the other countless euphemisms we use for having unfulfilling careers/relationships/lives.

“Hear the voices in my head. I swear to God it sounds like they’re snoring. But if you’re bored than you’re boring.” – Harvey Dangerous “Flagpole Sitta”

Anyone wanna join me for some New York Super Fudge Chunk?

Breaking routines allows us to step outside and reexamine the course our lives are moving in. Vacations are good for this. Taking “mental health days” is good for this. An old friend of mine made it a habit to “call in well” and use his sick days to promote his use of creative outlets. This seems irresponsible to most folks. It seems to me that we place so great a value on being responsible and productive that we forget to enjoy ourselves while we’re doing it.

Is having fun a choice? Is it an option?

Life is hardest when we don’t perceive ourselves as having choices. Regardless of whether you’re free to change career paths, go back to school or otherwise aspire to something more satisfying – you’re still free to be better/happier. Being bored means you stopped taking risks and stopped imagining.

If your attitude sucks, change it. If you want to improve your workplace, invest in the people around you. Remember, high school never really ends – everyone wants to be cool. Build them up and watch what happens to you (and quite possibly you career).

If you don’t know how to make the best of a bad situation, find someone who does and learn from them (they’re the person at work that everyone gravitates toward). If you’re going to settle for less than you can be/have because it affords you a measure of security then go ahead but don’t be bitter that others are succeeding or having more fun than you.

Get out of your comfort zone and find an outlet. Do something that makes you feel alive. Go be a cliché – Dance. Sing. Play. Then get better, even if it’s just for spite.

Get to know better people. My friends can have fun at the DMV because they expect this of themselves and they’re always looking for willing accomplices. Look around the crowd for the people who have a sense of humor and are looking for an opportunity to use it.

It’s about attitude. It’s about not letting your daily grind grind you. What do you do to get by? We laugh. We celebrate each other’s success. We have cake at every opportunity (It’s Tuesday!). We work hard and we do important things. Then we watch youtube videos about kittens.

Seriously watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fP4emqw7O4

They’re amazing people. Some of us are at the beginning of a terrifying journey and others are seasoned veterans in loving those active in addiction. Some have family who are on the road to Recovery. Some write their loved ones in prison. Some love those long unaccounted for. All of us struggle. We choose not to struggle alone.

You don’t have to be an addict to hate the Disease of Addiction and your life can be turned upside down though you’ve never taken a single hit. All that’s required is that you care deeply for someone in the throes of addiction or the process of Recovery.

No one in our country is truly immune to the wreckage caused by addiction. We all know someone who is affected directly or indirectly by the Disease. The only variables are how much you’re aware and how much you care.

It seems easy for some folks to pretend that alcoholism and drug addiction don’t touch their families, their neighborhoods, coworkers, or their communities. Some of us don’t have the luxury of denial. We have front row seats to the horror show.

The worst kind of powerless is watching someone you love suffer and being unable to stop it.

Our experiences are diverse and yet unified. We know emptiness and longing. We know anger, outrage and injustice. We’ve struggled with guilt, shame, and the wonder of where did we go wrong? Knowing it’s not our fault doesn’t take away the heartache or bring peace and it doesn’t make anything feel okay.

We want to know they’re safe. We want them to get and stay clean/sober. We want to know that they’re going to do whatever it takes to get better. We learn to live with the unknowns.

Our hopes ride an exhausting roller coaster of highs and lows. We have watched the addictive transformation from Jekyll to Hyde. We see signs of improvement only to watch relapse and regression follow. How many times can a heart break?

We don’t give up. How could we? They’re our sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives, partners…the list goes on and on. They’re our family and they’ve been taken away from us by a force more powerful than any – a force that is hell bent to destroy them.

Some come back to us. Some only visit. Some come up for air, and some hit bottom. We hope they surface in rehabs, IOPs, therapy, meetings, halfway houses, even jail, or prison. Whatever it takes to make them stop.

We fear the “rule of threes” all too well. Our friends in Recovery advise us that for those who stay in the course of addiction long enough there are ultimately only three places one can end up: Jail, Institution, or Death. It’s unimaginable to go on living while we wait for the phone to ring but we do our best. Sometimes we even have good days. We lean on each other. We learn to live in a world that judges us and those we love. We learn to live with the ignorance of those who somehow choose to see addiction as a moral problem despite overwhelming medical evidence to the contrary.

We learn not to enable. We learn to take care of our side of the street. We learn to be diligent in separating what we have control over and what we do not. We choose to invest our energy in places where we can make a difference. We accept that we cannot go through this journey alone.

We come together to do what we can. Please join us.

*I urge those in the greater Bangor area and beyond to attend the weekly Nar-Anon meetings at St Francis Center on Center Street in Bangor (directly across from St. Joseph’s hospital. They meet Thursday nights at 6:30. I had the honor of meeting those folks recently and they are extraordinary.

For those not in greater Bangor I encourage you to Google “Nar-Anon meetings (your area)”

Authors Note – I am not a member per se of Nar-Anon. When I write about anything that affects society as a whole I say “we.”  I am a Recovery Ally and I am a part of all that I have met.

Today’s meme – “If things are going to get better; you have to think better.”

This has been at the forefront of my thoughts all day. How does one think better? How does one think about thinking better? Maybe this is just another mind f@ck for my ego to play with? I considered:

Critical thinking skills allow one to question everything they are told/were taught.

innovative thinking allows one to find a way where none exists but is sorely needed.

Thinking  creatively allows one to create what we wish to see in the world.

It seemed to me that we think better when we utilize multidimensional perspectives or incorporate seemingly opposing paradigms. Then I thought that we think better when we attain clarity through meditation, yoga, or prayer. I’m sure we think better when we’re less inhibited, as I believe we won’t find the answers we fear.

I was starting to think that I think too much when it came to me – I think best when I don’t think at all.

For all that my 100mph ADHD rattled brain can conjure…it does not measure up to what I know intuitively. Getting out of my head and into my gut simplifies things tremendously and allows me to sense what’s real and what isn’t.

The challenge is to accept what I know and not analyze it, rationalize it, or minimize it. These are unhealthy forms of thinking and they muddy the very waters I want clear.

I’ve learned countless times  that the truth is the truth regardless of how I feel about it. My heart hates being powerless and  can convince me to devote countless hours of searching for ways not to be powerless. My feelings are important but they are to be identified, expressed and addressed. I cannot insist that my emotions make sense but I can insist that they not hinder me.

Intuitively knowing allows me to see a course of action that is neither intellectual nor emotional. It simply is. This allows me to do as my friends in AA advise, “Get out of the problem and get into the solution.” My desire for things to be different than what they are does not change them. I have the option of separating what I can change from what I cannot. The latter I accept as it is and the former becomes something that I need to change (most often this means changing my attitude, my perspective, and/or my behavior).

I move more gracefully toward acceptance and change when I am able to get my head, heart, and gut on the same page. When I am mindful, I do not allow self doubt to hinder me. Instead I involve trusted others. I think aloud seeking challenges and feedback. I don’t seek advice – advice is either what you ask for when you already know the answers and don’t like them or it’s a half assed way of asking for reassurance. I require trusted other to hold me accountable and to help me resolve my inner conflicts.  In this way I come to develop conviction – solid determination that gives me confidence moving forward.

It seems my best thinking is not done alone. Two heads aren’t just better than one- they’re exponentially better.

I love sharing stories and it’s quite common that I get to offer the experience of others to answer what I’m asked. Earlier that week I met with a blue collar tough guy who had told me, “The only thing I know about dignity is that it means you get to hold your head up no matter what you’re going through.”

That works but there’s more to it.

Real dignity isn’t just about pride and stoicism. It’s about having enough self worth to invest in yourself.  The life you most want requires having sufficient self respect to be true to yourself.

Respect is earned. If you get up more times than you got knocked down then you have mine and you deserve to have your own. Resilience is the best form of strength and it’s one of the most respectable traits a person can have. It’s not about where you come from. It’s about where you’re going.

Your past does not define you. What you do next does. Get into it (living). You can move past your inhibitions if you’ll just stop comparing yourself to everyone else. It only makes you feel like shit anyway.

There’s a world of difference between the way we judge others and the way we judge ourselves. We don’t know their insecurities, fears, and regrets, only our own. We only grasp how they appear to feel and covet what we perceive. Our downfall is in comparing the rough drafts of our lives to the cover of their books.

Start writing the next chapter. Instead of disrespecting yourself by being bitter over the success of those you envy; use the Golden Rule in reverse. Treat yourself the way you treat those you respect. In deference to them we’re honest, interested, and involved. We listen better. We’re accountable to them and we give our best.

We feel more alive relating to them. Yet it doesn’t occur to us to ask much of them. We don’t ask unless we feel deserving. Consider this – it feels good to be valued and to be of service to those we care for and admire. Why not return the favor and ask for the support we need? Chances are you’ve politely declined it many times already – you just didn’t even think about it.

Living is about intentionality – choosing paths, cultivating your way of being, honing your skills and kicking ass. Anything else means living a life that is not only unsatisfying but also disingenuous.

How is it that some folks make it all seem effortless? How do they manage so much and fare so well? Perhaps no one told them they couldn’t. Perhaps they managed to “find themselves.” Maybe they “got their shit together.” It’s possible that they “figured it out.” Nah. That’s all a crock. Here’s the truth – people who grow up in healthy families have a solid foundation to build beautiful lives on.

The rest of us are trying to discover who we really are and what we truly want. We’re looking to be able to feel everything that those folks are free to take for granted. They’ve always known that they are lovable, safe, and secure in who they are. We want that. We need help to get it.

Favorite old expression of mine, “I know what it costs and I know what it’s worth.” My goal is to take nothing for granted and to stay in the company of those who both challenge and encourage me. Those close to me believe that I am deserving and that my efforts are worthy of support. My view of myself can ebb and flow at times. The regard of my chosen family has for me does not. This is just one more reason why they are critical not only to my success but to my being happy, joyous, and free.

Get yourself some good people. You can find them everywhere but you have to reach out to them. (Kindred spirits have a way of recognizing each other). It’s scary moving outside of the familiar but it is there that we build confidence and faith in ourselves and in each other.

The anniversary of her passing will soon be upon us. Remembering is bittersweet. In death, absence does not make the heart grow fonder; it leaves an emptiness that demands to be filled.

The challenge before us was given by her husband Earl upon her passing. As we asked him what we could possibly do for him, he simply said, “Be more like her.” That’s the type of sentiment that sticks with a person and I’ve thought of it frequently through the past year.

If we are to honor her memory then, what better way?

Aspirations and ideas are fine things, but it is the application that matters. If we are to be more like Penny then patience and tolerance are not simply characteristics; they are things we practice in our daily affairs.

If we follow her example, we must seek out those who are lost and lonely and befriend them. We must invest our time and talents in others because we are all connected. Each of us is afforded the honor of becoming a meaningful part of other’s journeys. The only way to keep it is to give it away.

So much of Recovery seems paradoxical and contradicting. How does one accept the unacceptable? How do we forgive the unforgiveable? How do we allow ourselves to be loved when we believe ourselves unlovable? Penny answered these questions for us.

Think less. Pray more. Judge less. Hug more. Keep everything simple and most of all be of service to others. The world is full of folks who are lost and in need of guidance, support, and encouragement. Penny not only understood this, she DID this. Daily.

Penny was not one for analysis. She grasped people, places, and things on a gut level. Between her mother’s intuition and her faith, she simply understood.  Penny knew to be completely present in the moment. She understood that to be present allows a Higher Power to work through us. In living this way she was an angel amongst us.

If you don’t believe in angels then I sincerely hope you meet one soon. There are people in this world who just feel good to be around. There are people who speak volumes with their eyes. There are those who teach and move us. They are angels and we need them more than ever.

Penny put into practice the value of fellowship. She had countless daughters and made herself available to them. She brought good women together and bequeathed them her Princesses. Penny’s legacy is in large part those women who today are paying it forward in and out of the halls of AA.

Penny’s compassion and empathy allowed her to bear witness to the type of pain that seems unending. How then are we to grieve without her?

We will take time alone and amongst those we love to reflect. We will tell stories. We shall laugh and cry. We hold dear her memory while releasing the pain of loss. Ultimately, we choose to honor her by following her powerful example. And still we struggle.

Through prayer and meditation we come to a place of accepting powerlessness once again. Nothing in Recovery is once and for all. We seek to experience, express, and be vessels of God’s Grace as she did.

Folks seem to forget where old timers in AA come from. They were once newcomers. Penny was once as lost as any of us. Her humility was in never forgetting where she came from and where she could return to without working an earnest program. In being of service to others she ensured herself another day of sobriety and the opportunity to be happy, joyous, and free.

The world needs more people who love unabashedly. If we are to truly honor Penny, then we must be amongst those who withhold judgment, demonstrate patience and tolerance, and love those who believe themselves unlovable.

Rest in Peace Penny. You continue to inspire and your legacy is alive and well.

They’re slackers, stoners, geeks, nerds, and f@ck ups. I love them because I was one of them and in a sense I always will be. All that’s required for membership is an intense longing for guidance and an overriding fear that prevents seeking it. These are my kids. I claim them because it’s the ultimate win/win. They need a father figure and I love being a dad.

Wanna make the world a better place? Teach what you’ve learned, and give what was denied you.

In the case of young men it may feel like casting pearls to swine but it’s more a matter of planting seeds. I learned this when my son was 16. I had to check in with him because from one day to the next I could be the smartest or dumbest person he knew. I threw out ideas. He acted like he wasn’t paying attention. Two weeks later they became his ideas. He’d tell me about it. I’d declare him brilliant and praise him for coming up with creative solutions.

I don’t care who gets credit. I like positive outcomes.

When I mentor young men today, I make it palatable/easier to receive. I’m careful to only talk about myself at first. I share my mistakes and I talk about how scared I was when I was their age. I use humor a lot.

Truth to tell, I make fun of my boys. They say things like, “I just need to get my shit together.” I stare at them like I’m one of the boys from South Park and ask, “Ok, but if you succeed, doesn’t that just leave you with a giant pile of shit?” They laugh. I say, “Look, it’s shit. What you do with shit is you learn how to get rid of it. You don’t analyze it. You get a shovel, you learn how to use it and you work hard.

What everyone really wants is a way to be successful that doesn’t involve taking risks or facing fears.

Stop it. Finding your way requires making mistakes and falling on your face. If you never fail then you never tried to do anything all that impressive in the first place. Robert Frost told us there were two paths and he encouraged us to choose the one less travelled by. What he didn’t tell us was that each path leads to many other paths.

Young men are afraid of making bad decisions and choosing the wrong path because they see life as this linear thing that only goes forward and backwards. Philosophically, they missed out. They’re far too young to heed Zeppelin’s advice that, “There’s still time to change the road you’re on (at any age).”

Pragmatically, young men need help identifying the obstacles and what it takes to overcome them. You need to know like minded people. Support them and ask that they support you in whatever way possible. Stop talking about success like it is some complex or impossible thing to attain. Work hard.

Stop agonizing over whether you’ll go to college and stop whining about the dubious relevance of what hoops you have to jump through. Learn a marketable skill. Yeah, I know that being a grown up may not be all that much fun but self respect kicks ass.

Whatever job you have currently, be the best at it. I don’t care that you’re underpaid and overworked. Being a bus boy is an honorable profession. It provides either motivation to get ahead in life or motivation to abuse substances. Choose.

The best kind of wisdom is learning from other people’s mistakes. What frustrates would be mentors is that young people don’t often heed good advice. What frustrates young men is seeing how avoidable their mistakes were in retrospect.

Keep it simple. Ruining your credit rating, getting fired for dumb shit, and being reckless with other people’s hearts – none of these lessons are difficult to learn nor are they hard to avoid. Just be honest with yourself and show integrity.

Most of all, don’t do anything half assed. Do what you will but do it because you damned well meant to. Success is becoming something greater and those of us who aspire to having more in life are in the process of becoming.

Invariably, these shows highlight someone swinging a sledgehammer through a wall. Part of being a therapist is that I see everything as a metaphor. The folks I work with usually want to tear down their walls and they want to do so in a hurry. It just doesn’t work that way.

Walls are built out of necessity. We didn’t want them but we required a buffer between ourselves and those who would hurt us. We constructed them as children and with every painful experience we reinforced them. Years later, what once protected us now holds us back.

Just as we avoid taking stock of the baggage we carry, so to we avoid examining our defenses. We become aware of our walls in awkward moments. We experience the limitations they create when folks compliment us or offer us appreciation. We knock ourselves out earning things that we’re too afraid to receive.

There’s no perspective behind the walls. Very little light comes in and the darkness we have always known surrounds us. We feel guarded when we know there is no threat. We struggle to trust those who seem entirely trustworthy. Our fears distance us from good people by forcing us to hold everyone at arm’s length.

Loneliness is perhaps the single greatest cause of mental illness in America today.

Depression and Anxiety are largely caused by this: we fear what we yearn for – connection, friendships, partners, lovers, intimacy. We see only risk with very little possibility of reward and an even lower sense of deservedness. We say that we fear being hurt but that’s not the whole story.

Without any conscious choice on our part, the walls changed. Once they stood to protect us. Now they protect others from us. Because we buried past pain we feel shame, which dictates that good people would not accept us if they truly knew us. Our deeper fear is that allowing others to get close would result in us inadvertently hurting them. This is the real issue. We’re afraid that if we relax and simply be ourselves we might make someone feel like we feel.

This fear is not consciously driven but it is none the less overwhelming. We have moments of recognizing that our apprehension is not rational yet we approach each and every person with either trepidation or over compensation.

Never do we expect the benefit of a doubt. Never do we expect conflict without confrontation and never do we expect to be forgiven. These things are foreign to us. We only give them; we do not let ourselves to receive them. This allows us to be perpetually surprised when things go well and it denies us the chance to build confidence or have faith in ourselves.

I met with an amazing woman recently who told me she was afraid to look out from behind her wall. Knowing the hell she lives in I asked her to consider what could possibly be so scary on the other side? In a very small voice she said, “Hope.”

She told me that there are cracks in her wall and that during the day she has light coming in but late at night she sees only shadows on the wall. Hope is the light that allows one to see a path out of darkness but it is also forces us to see that it is we who hold ourselves captive. This is the result of everything we hide from in the dark recesses of our minds.

We must draw out that which was ingrained. We must challenge what we were taught about ourselves and our worth. This takes courage but courage is not the absence of fear. It’s being scared shitless and doing it anyway because it’s the only way to be free.

We will never fully tear down the walls. Sledgehammers leave gaping holes and we must not be defenseless. Instead we can recognize that the world we live in requires self protection but does not demand isolation. We won’t wear our hearts on our sleeves but we will no longer hide our true selves from good people (trusting our instinct allows us to identify each other).

There are so many of us and kindred spirits have a way of being drawn to one another. If we dare only to peek out over our walls, we can find each other. If we have courage then we never have to be alone again.

I don’t know how to talk about my life’s work, the amazing people I love, or the life I have today without sounding arrogant. I get to do a job that I love. I am loved by the best kind of people and to top it all off; I genuinely like myself.

My life’s lessons have taught me to embrace simplicity. When I look at people, places, and things simply, I see them as a child would – with wonder and a sense of opportunity. Combining this with the benefits of age, experience, and wisdom allows me to be child like without being childish (although maturity remains grossly overrated).

Here’s my Simple Recipe for having a cooler life:

Go Cool Places & Try New Things

Friday night I went to Bangor’s newest eatery, Little Vietnam  because it’s new. Offer me a chance to experience something I’ve never had/done before and I’m all over it. I can now say I’ve had Pho and I can tell you it’s a big bowl of deliciousness. For all of the growth greater Bangor has seen; we’re not doing enough to support good ethnic cuisine. Box restaurants largely suck and cool people rarely if ever choose to support corporate America when there are local businesses that not only provide a better product but also stimulate the local economy.

I took time out of my lazy Sunday to attend the Unsanctioned Art Show at Coespace. It blew me away. A group of 40 artists cared enough about a kick ass cause (bringing a skate park to Orono) to donate time and talent to creating unique and amazing pieces.

The best thing about events like the charity art show is that they give vast opportunities to:

Meet & Connect to Cool People

People like Orson Horchel are magnets to whom passionate and creative people are drawn. He’s a fantastic visual artist and carpenter. He’s given Bangor organized and unsanctioned visual delights for years now. To find humility in a man of his exceptional talents is rare. This makes him approachable and that’s what being cool as an adult is really about – connecting to quality people who are:

Doing Cool Things

Hanging out at the art show, I did what I always do – I strike a balance between talking & collaborating with talented folks and being inspired by their kids and taking time to be silly. In addition to being talented and cool people, Felicia & Cliff Richard, Casey Harris, Matt Chabe, and Haley Beem are awesome parents.

I love people who love people and nobody exemplifies this better then Karen Foley. Not only is Karen an amazing writer, she’s a woman with the wisdom to enrich her life with exceptional undertakings and even more exceptional people. I’ve yet to meet anyone connected to her that I didn’t immediately want to be BFF’s with (Best Friends Forever).

Too many of us grew up and forgot how to have fun. A lot of us became or remained wallflowers. We sulk on the periphery of the dance floor desperately wanting an invitation. All that’s needed is a single connection and a willingness to see where it can take you. Get yourself on a mission to find some opportunities. Get off Plenty of Fish (eeewwww) and check out events like Bangor Green Drinks. Read Emily Burnham and find out what’s happening!

Chances are, you’re cooler than you realize. If you’re the kind of person who has the guts to discover (create) their true selves, then I hope we cross paths, you and I.

Please:

I urge you to place a bid on the Unsanctioned Art Auction and either make the skateboarder in your life extremely happy or add a helluva conversation piece to your home.  Bringing a skate park to Orono provides a great opportunity for kids to have fun without drugs and alcohol and I can’t possibly do enough to support that.

I let her rant, vent, and spew. Everything is venomous hate and discontent. I envision the energy she hurls toward me blowing right past me. Nothing internalized, I’m just a voluntary target. I wait until she can’t go on anymore and then I ask, “What happens now?”

“Now I have to find something to do, someone to take care of or some place to go.” I ask what happens is she doesn’t? Her face suggests she’s getting in touch with an old memory. “Then the pain comes.” Right. I ask her if she can tolerate one minute of it? She asks why the hell she should want to do that? “Because you get to carry everything you refuse to release.”

She sits silently and at first she’s perfectly still. She begins to shake, quiver, and then doubles over in pain. It’s like watching someone who is going to vomit. She doesn’t make a sound as the tears begin to flow. She stops breathing. I ask her to let go. She cries out like a child who is completely lost, alone, and terrified.  Gut wrenching sobs. I don’t internalize this either, but I remember making those sounds and I am filled with empathy.

It lasts about two minutes. She looks relieved. I ask her to consider if it’s worth what she does to avoid this? She says she’s not sure but she does feel, “lighter.” Yeah. It’s like that.

He’s a beautiful and horribly sad young man. We’ve spent six months together talking about relatively minor things and “managing” his depression. I’m waiting for him to trust me. He’s got a lot of rage. He raised himself and feels completely disconnected and insignificant. He’s afraid to express the anger he feels. I confronted him about this – that if he lets go of even a little – that he’ll get in touch with every bit of pain that lies beneath.

Why would anyone want to feel pain, emptiness, despair, insignificance? Because we already carry it and the only way out of it is through it. I asked him if he wanted to get right? He tells me, “someday.” So I asked if he wanted to get right for one minute? He nodded so I told him to stand up. I grabbed him and hugged him hard and didn’t let go for a full minute. He soaked my shirt.

He left lighter too. This is how we become free. Cycles have to be broken – resolve has to be attained and release is paramount to both of these. It’s always the same three suspects – fear, pain, and shame.

Fear is an all encompassing category. It ranges from discomfort, self consciousness, nervousness, worry, anxiety, phobias, and panic, to terror. It’s everything from stage fright to paranoia and it leaves us with few options – mostly fight, flight, or hiding. Our biggest mistake is that we deal with it alone.

Pain is everything we couldn’t deal with. It’s sadness, loss, emptiness, disappointments, and loneliness. For most of us, “depression” is simply the result of repressed emotions and unsatisfying lives.

We make the mistake of experiencing pain alone and this is suffering – we recycle pain over and over because we don’t know how to let go. Grieving involves sharing our pain with others and making the choice to release it.

Shame is the belief that we are not enough. We are broken, crazy, and disposable to others (and ourselves if we’re honest). Shame is blaming ourselves for what was done to us.  It’s debilitating shit and it’s primarily the accumulation of labels (some from the shrink and some from the playground) and guilt.

Most of us are afraid to tap into this shit. Understandably so. This is our “baggage.” These are the scars that don’t show and the daily struggle to be okay in spite of everything.

So maybe we do two minutes at a time. Set a f@cking egg timer if you need to. Write it out (burn it when you’re done if you need to). Sing it, scream it, and break some shit over it. Just don’t go on believing that you have to continue compensating for what you’ve been through. The only good thing to do with fear, pain, and shame is to break the ties that bind us.

If we don’t break this shit down we can’t release it and if we can’t release it then we get to live with it. It took me years to understand this adage:

“The best revenge is living well.”

Salerno shows us an upper middle class cocaine addict/alcoholic whose life is overshadowed by the pain of the past and the uncertainties of the future. The viewer experiences heart wrenching flashbacks to an abusive childhood and catches glimpses of dreams being sought. Sadly, we see that becoming what we hate is far more attainable than achieving our aspirations once addiction sets in.

Every child makes themselves promises about what it will be like when they’re an adult. No kid has ever said, “When I grow up I want to be a drunk like my dad.” LAPSE shows the manifestation of a child’s worst fears – in the midst of abusing substances, we emulate the behavior of those who abused us. Some of us bear the shame of having been hateful to others. Many of us were cruel only to ourselves. Either way, what we came to see in the mirror was a shameful and terrifying reminder of everything we swore we’d never be.

Trauma and abuse leave scars that seem impossible to heal. Ignoring, forgetting, distracting, and avoiding failed us all. We sought ways to hide from pain. Drugs & alcohol are incredibly effective toward these ends, but only for the briefest of hours and always at a very high price. When one hurts like hell, relief at any price seems acceptable.

The promise of alcohol, benzodiazepines, and other “downers” is relief from the pressure of anxiety and the ache of past pain. The seduction is simple. We see a bottle or a pill and we hear a beautifully sympathetic voice purring, “Poor baby. Let me make it all better for you.”

The promise of cocaine, meth, ADHD medication, and other “uppers” is the opportunity to be ten feet tall and bullet proof. Nobody can hurt us anymore. We feel powerful and prepared to take on the world. We hear an impossibly optimistic voice declaring, “With me you can take on the f@cking world!”

Ultimately these are empty promises of a force that seeks mastery over us.

The Disease of Addiction is far more powerful than any individual human being. It is insidious, calculating, and destructive. We came to deny our needs and discard our dreams as we became increasingly obsessive and driven. Addiction inevitably leads to the betrayal of self and the denial of love.

The crash of hitting bottom is unlike any other pain. We’re overwhelmed with undeniable evidence that we have completely lost control of our own lives. We are terrified, alone, and desperate. Incredible as it may seem, this is opportunity. This is where everything is about to get a whole lot better or a whole lot worse.

There are no exceptions to the rule of threes: If we continue to use there are only three possible outcomes: jail, institution, or death. Choosing life means choosing Recovery. Ultimately, we move away from being our own worst enemies and toward something far healthier.

Through the process of Recovery, we come to separate who we are from who our disease would have us be. This teaches us who we are not. We are then left with the daunting proposition of discovering who we are and who we wish to be.

“Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” – George Bernard Shaw

I have spoken with many who refer to themselves as “grateful alcoholics.” This gratitude seems counterintuitive but it is acknowledgement that if not for having suffered addiction, we’d have never become the person we are today. Most folks live their lives without a great deal of self actualization that gets put into action. The transformation of the Recovering addict/alcoholic is real, powerful, and a uniquely beautiful thing to behold. It is the manifestation of a phoenix and it provides a life like none other.

To our brothers and sisters who continue to be adrift in the sea of addiction: We are here in safe places waiting for you to suffer sufficiently, to hit bottom, and to extend a hand toward us.